Adrift in Time

It currently feels like I’m adrift in time, with little clear progress or known positive change. On June 24th, I added a page to my art journal about this, commenting “I’m struggling to blog or art journal with little focus–just waiting for news, for decisions–and realized this “drifting” should also be documented.” After looking at the finished page , a friend asked if I thought this was unique to my cancer journey or if it also applies to folks as they age or as they deal with chronic illness. Seems to me it applies to anyone who is adjusting to a new stage of life. But I’m curious–drop a line in the comments and let me know if you have ever felt adrift!

Have you ever felt like you were just drifting through life, things happening as they happened, no control over your future? Most often this type of feeling occurs during transitions–when one thing has finished but the next has not yet begun. Seems to me that positive, exciting times of change don’t feel like drifting because we are so excited to move forward, so full of hope for future possibilities. It becomes much harder when the future is uncertain or not yet clear.

Right now, on my health adventure, it feels like forward progress has stalled. It reminds me of floating on my kayak at sunset, no clear landing site in mind, simply letting myself drift through the water and the changing light. In a similar way, I’m currently adrift in time. I’m continuing to take the same pain and anti-nausea meds. I’m continuing to complete 3-week cycles of chemotherapy. I’m continuing to follow a pattern of feeling blah, feeling horrible, feeling okay, feeling good before starting the next cycle all over again.

It’s increasingly hard to have an answer to the questions of how I’m doing. Ummm… the same? Or maybe one of these: We hope treatments are continuing to shrink tumors. I’m bored. I just wanna whine at lack of clear progress. I’m feeling okay or I’m feeling horrid. I’m stuck drifting forever. What does one answer when it’s the same old, same old, day after day after day??

Since there are no zippers or windows to my abdomen, the only way we can monitor the effectiveness of treatment against these cancerous tumors is to have CT scans every 6 weeks. That’s effective. BUT… it leaves me feeling like we are drifting between scans, uncertain of the “what’s next.” IF the med is working, we will do this. IF the meds are not working, we might try that… or the other thing. As a list-maker and calendar scribbler, I prefer to plan, and set goals, and KNOW what’s going to happen! But that’s apparently not the path I’m currently floating on.

Sigh! Wanna come drift with me awhile? It’s beautiful sometimes…